Foot Massages, Xi'an Bound!

There’s a foot massage parlor pretty close to the CNU campus we decided to try out Tuesday night. Massages in China are not like the ones you receive in the US. There’s a fine line between therapeutic stress relief and brutal torture, I think that line got crossed several times that night. If I’m ever in a war and forced to choose sides, I’m picking the one with the Asian masseuses. They may appear to be fragile little Chinese women, but their hand are like vise grips and they have deadly knowledge of all the body’s pressure points. The level of pain they can inflict on a single human being is astonishing. It was basically an hour and half of getting the crap beaten out of you and being kneaded like dough. But you feel surprisingly good and relaxed afterwards.

About to head to Xi’an in a few hours. Should be a pretty bad ass time. I’ll be sure to put up pictures. In the mean time, check out this article about my new hero:

HONG KONG (AP) - A German art student tried to join a Chinese dynasty's army - but he volunteered centuries too late. The 26-year-old man - identified only as Pablo or by his Chinese name Ma Lin - made a dusty brown suit of armour, a tunic and a helmet, and attempted to blend in with the ancient warriors of the terracotta army in the western city of Xi'an, the Hong Kong newspapers Ming Pao Daily News and Wen Wei Po reported this week.
The outfit matched the uniforms worn by the thousands of terracotta soldiers buried in the tomb of the Emperor Qin Shihuangdi, who ruled between 221 BC and 210 BC, the papers said. The soldiers - one of China's greatest archeological discoveries - are displayed in a Xi'an museum.
Pablo entered the museum Saturday with his uniform packed in a suitcase, the papers said. Once inside, he quickly changed into the outfit, jumped over a barrier and joined the soldiers, who stand in hundreds of rows.
He blended in so well that security guards had difficulty finding him, Ming Pao said.
"I got to the area where he was supposed to be, looked around a bit and didn't see Ma Lin," the paper quoted a guard as saying. "He just looked too much like a terracotta warrior."
The papers showed photos of security guards dragging Pablo out of the excavation pit where the soldiers are displayed.
Wen Wei Po quoted Pablo as saying he has been obsessed with the soldiers since his childhood. He reportedly said that he only planned to have a photo of himself taken standing near the museum's excavation pit.
"But when I saw the soldiers, I got too excited and just couldn't stop myself from jumping into the pit," he was quoted as saying.
Since he didn't damage the soldiers, Pablo was released after getting a lecture from the security officials, the papers said.

Colds, Mountains, and Bad Ass Movies…

My voice has been censored! Actually I think it’s all blogspots but for some reason I can’t view blog pages anymore. I can access the page to post entries, I just can’t read any… Now that I think about it, I’ve been having trouble accessing a lot of Western media lately. By Western media I mean ESPN. Maybe the Chinese are just as upset as I am about Texas getting knocked out of the Tournament and their just lashing out at ESPN for it… I guess that’s one theory.

I’ve had this head cold for the past week. Though it’s often hard to tell the difference between illness and everyday living. I’m referring of course to this fantastic Beijing air I get to breathe on a daily basis. There are few places on earth where the air quality is so bad you can actually chew the air. Playing basketball outside is like smoking a pack of cigarettes…

We’re starting to take field trips for our classes. It’s a pretty cool hands-on experience to see the things we’ve only read about. Last Saturday we took a 3 hour bus ride up to Hebei Province to see the mountain tomb of some prince and his wife who died like a million years ago or something like that. The tombs and history and crap were alright, but our descent down the mountain was amazing! They built a long ass slide starting from the top of mountain to the parking lot. Everyone got their own little bobsled with adjustable handbrake. The joy of sliding down a mountain and the terror of questionable Chinese slide construction alone was worth the trip.

300! I finally found a good copy of it* at the local Wu-Mei (Chinese Quickie-Mart). Total guy movie. Lots of fighting, beautiful women, and marginal plot line. Watching 300 will make you want to:

1. Grow a beard.
2. Learn to fight with a spear and sword.
3. Fight other people with spears and swords.


Left: View from halfway up the mountain. Many of us stopped frequently to take pictures of the scenery. It was not because it was a particularly pretty day and we wanted to remember it forever, we're all just terribly out of shape but didn't want to seem like a pansy stopping for a rest.
Center: Note the silver line streaking across the mountain. That was the glorious slide waiting to take us to our sweet chariot (the bus) home.
Right: The steep and treacherous path we took to the tomb... just kidding, I was just tired and wanted to take a picture. The actual path up was well paved and came with handrails.


Left: Vahan about to get push down the mountain...
Right: Peeing Boy Statue! It was glorious! It was proudly standing in front of the restarant we ate at in Hebei, valiently protecting the building from thristy frogs.

* The first copy we bought off a dude on a bicycle for 5 kuai, it was hilariously poor quality, we’re talking cell phone video type quality… finally had to put in the big bucks and find a 10 kuai copy.

DURANT STAYS (...committed to finding you the best rent)

Did anyone else not think this Facebook flyer was hilarious and terrible at the same time. The first moment I looked at it I was absolutely ecstatic. Durant is staying at UT!!! Then bam, like a slap in the face it turns out to be a lame ass apartment finder toying with our fragile basketball emotions. Touché 512 Realty, you’ve bested me once again…

Elevator Jenga, Gold Diggers, and Engrish…

Now that regular CNU classes have started, the international dorm is packed. Like any crowded dorm filled with lazy international students, everyone wants to take the elevator. I don’t know if it’s airing on the side of caution or just poor construction, but our elevators can only carry 1000 kg. That’s about 10 American-sized men or 20 Chinese-sized girls. Every crowded elevator ride we play this game I call Elevator Jenga. Basically we see how many people we can squeeze in before the overload alarm sounds. It’s not as funny when one of the guys sets off the alarm (because we’re all overweight Americans), but we all find it hilarious when a tiny Asian girl trips it. Mostly because the look on their faces of shear embarrassment is just priceless, but also because Chris, Vahan, and Sam can use their terrible Chinese to say 对不起! 我是美国人！你是老师吗？ (dua bu qi! Wo shi mei guo ren! Ni shi lao shi ma?) It’s pretty much all the Chinese they know. For some reason hearing a foreigner trying to speak Chinese is apparently funny enough to warrant the stereotypical Asian girl giggle*.

Prior to coming to Beijing, I had been warned by several people to be weary of Chinese girls. Not just because they may be clever hookers, but I also heard horror stories of girls latching on to a guy and compelling him to marry her and whisk her away back to America. I never really believed any of these crazy tales… until Wednesday night. We were at Propaganda having a jolly ol’ time when out of nowhere a cute Asian girl comes up to me. Here’s how it pretty much went down:

Me and my friends on the dance floor. Asian girl approaches me…

Cute Asian: So how long do I have to wait before you dance with me?
Me: Umm… do you want to dance right now?

We go out to in the middle of the floor and start dance-talking

Me: So what do you do?
CA: I’m a student at (blah blah blah) University
Me: Cool, what are you studying?
CA: Dance.
Me: Ah, what kind of dance?
CA: … dancing with you…

At this point I pretty much knew what her angle was (either prostitute or gold digger). But I wanted to see where this was going, mostly because I was impressed with myself for being able to have this entire conversation with her in just Chinese!

CA: So who are you here with tonight?
Me: Those are my friends over there. (points to friends) What about you?
CA: I was here with friends but they left earlier so I’m here alone right now.
Me: Oh, so how come you didn’t go home with them?
CA: … because I was waiting to dance with you…

Pretty much the gist of it. She was a gold digger and I was shocked that they actually existed and weren’t just an urban legend told by Chinese mothers to scare their sons into practicing the violin and not going out. All and all, it was a pretty hilarious experience. A generally good rule for guys in China: If a girl approaches you, it’s not because you’re so damn attractive and charming, she’s a ho!

On a different note, the Chinese government, desperately wanting to put their best foot forward for the 2008 Olympics and present Beijing as a world class international destination, is frantically trying to fix all the Engrish (Chinglish) that’s so ubiquitous around the city. I’m sure they’ll be able to fix all the major public signage in time (see the March 1 post for a beautiful example of Engrish), but it’s there’s no way all restaurant menus and shop signs can be fixed by next year. Here are some of my personal favorites:


These don't really need captions...

* Much like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot, the Asian girl giggle is so quick and fleeting, it’s almost impossible to capture on film. But for those you don’t know, here’s what it would look like if it were an emoticon: >_< “tehehe”

Lazy weekend in Beijing

Most of the group went to Shanghai this weekend. I most definitely would have gone, but ironically it’s the one weekend my sis had to come up to Beijing for business. But no biggy since I got to stay with her at her hotel instead of at the dorms. Soaking in the tub without a care in the world rather than showering in flip-flops for fear of athlete’s foot. Comfortably sprawling out on a goose down bed rather than sleeping on a cot size single that is old enough to have been used in the Korean war…

So we’ve got this weekly tradition going were all of us head over to Club Propaganda every Wednesday night for their 70 kuai all you can drink special. Maybe it’s the distance away from home or the ridiculously cheap drinks, but every time we’ve been, the girls in the group have gone wild! It’s all hilarious fun and games until someone has to vomit. There are a couple of pictures from Propaganda nights below… pre-puking.

My Chinese has been gradually improving. Though I still can’t understand what the cab drivers are saying when they yell at me, but I don’t think anyone really does. If my time in Beijing were like an episode of the Simpsons, the cab drivers would be the Crazy Cat Lady no one understands.

I got to go on a bike ride through some parts of Beijing this weekend. It was actually sunny outside but the wind was biting. I think I need to get out and see more of the random sights. Partly for the educational experience, but mostly because tend to take afternoon naps if I don’t get out of my dorm room. I feel like I’m just sleeping away my time here.


Couple of pictures from the first weekend here.
Left: Apparently cars and buses don't stop for fireworks on the street.
Right: They also don't stop for people on the street holding fireworks.



Left: Joey on the dance floor. Yes I see that really hot blonde on the left, that's actually why I took this picture.
Center: Vicki and one of the J-girls. Sharon in the background.
Right: Sharon, Woodson, and my drunk ass at Paul van Dyk






Oh Japanese Fro-man, I don't know what you do, or why you were on NHK this weekend, but you sir have inspired my next look...

Life in the new Wild West...

It's snowing up in here! Actually it's a half snow half rain type thing, but I'm going to count it because the ground is turning white...


How can I even begin to describe the past week of my life. Living in Beijing is like something out of a surreal dream. This place is the Wild West right now and everyone is coming here to make a life for themselves. It’s hard to believe that just a month ago I was in the safe, familiar environment of Austin, chillin’ every night with my homies, and not having a care in sight. Beijing life is certainly different…

My dorm is pretty interesting. The building houses all my classes as well as all the international students that attend CNU. On my floor alone there are Americans, Brits, Japanese, and Iraqis. There are also some Koreans and sexy Italians up on the 8th (love those Italians…). It seems like every elevator ride is a chance to meet someone from a different world. It’s a pretty rare opportunity to have such an amalgamation of characters under one giant roof.

My first week of classes was pretty intense. I feel like I’m doing more work here than I ever was at UT. Basically it’s Chinese in the morning and other classes in the afternoon. I feel like I’ve had to play catch up since I forgot a good amount stuff in the two years since I’ve taken a Chinese class.

Greater Beijing is certainly a new way of life. Most of my meals are purchased on the side of the road for less than 8 kuai (that’s about $1). If I pay anything more, I feel like I’ve been ripped off. There’s this tiny little dumpling store about 10 minutes away from campus where I can get 20 dumplings for 6 kuai. Sure it’s not exactly up to US FDA health standards, but the shit is delicious! We call the owner the jiao zi man (dumpling man). Our Chinese roommates tell us he’s ripping us off by charging that much, but he’s such a jolly guy I feel like I’m ripping him off paying so little.

We’ve been trying to go out to different bars every night. You can usually get shots for about a $1 and beers for less than 75 cents anywhere you go. Wednesday nights are all you can drink night and Club Propaganda. We brought some cute Japanese girls that had just got into town this week as well (love those J-girls…). Instead of going to Best Wurst after a night out on 6th Street, you can get things like lamb skewers from guys cooking and selling them on makeshift grills mounted to the back of there bicycles. I’m sure if you don’t have an ample amount of alcohol in your system when eating them, the bacteria living on those skewers will certainly kill you. But it is some amazing drunk food…

Paul Van Dyk (who is apparently the best DJ in the world, though I wonder how that ranking was determined) was spinning in Beijing last night. I didn’t quite care to go, but since everyone else was, I decided to see what this was about. It was a pretty cool scene. The place was crazy packed and the lower dance floor was suspended under hundreds of springs so it was bouncing along with the beat. I’m glad I was able to experience the night, but just not my scene.

Random picture highlights of the week:




Left: Literally a hole in the wall, located on a street affectionately dubbed "Jiao Zi Alley" (Dumpling Alley)
Center: Jiao Zi Man!
Right: This man epitomizes all that is Chinese street food. No need for a smoke break when you can just lit up while cooking.



Left: Babies in China don't really have diapers, but they do have little poop chutes for easy pooping. If I could just find some in my size I'd be set...
Right: Engrish at its most confusing.






A before, during, and after of Bai Jiu. It's a hard Chinese alcohol that's less than a $1 a bottle. It smells like turpentine, tastes like shit, but has a pleasantly sweet aftertaste...