SB ’07? More like SB ‘0-heaven!

My apologies for the lack of updates lately, just haven’t found the time to sit down and chill for a while. CET actually put our Spring Break a couple weeks before the national May 1st holiday. This was definitely a good move since the airports and train stations we went to were only some what crowded and not packed beyond capacity.

The first leg of SB ’07 took seven of us to Shanghai for a few days. I got a chance to relax at my sister’s apartment and take in the big city. We managed to take a couple on small trips to Suzhou and Hangzhou, just outside of Shanghai.

Suzhou was apparently renown for its beautiful gardens and beautiful women… it had neither. We stepped foot out of the Suzhou train station and into Port au Prince, Haiti. It was hot and dusty, everyone was pushing for a place in line, and the beggars were relentless. When we finally got into a cab and headed downtown, things started to look a little better. We were dropped off in the town center in a giant shopping area. It was a pretty vibrant happening place but it just didn’t seem like the serene, picturesque city I’d read so much about. The most obvious feature of these market streets were the ubiquitous signs for KFC. Emperor Sanders’ presence remains strong in Suzhou because his smiling face was everywhere. They even had little shuttle carts that would transport people from one KFC to another. After our delicious fried chicken lunch we decided to check out these bad ass gardens. These weren’t like the botanical gardens we see in US cities with the lush flora and spots to lay in the shade, these were just a bunch of rock gardens. Though they were beautifully designed and very peaceful to be in, you’ve seen one rock garden you’ve pretty much seen them all. We pretty much spent the day checking out the gardens and riding around town on petty cabs*. That was pretty much the gist of our Suzhou excursion, we returned to Shanghai that night with a pretty mediocre impression of the place.

A couple days later we set off for Hangzhou. This place is beautiful. It’s a scenic city built around West Lake. The parks were gorgeous, the islands on the lake were great and the city was generally very laid back and easy going. Christina’s cousin Justin lives in Hangzhou and was kind enough to show us around the place. The hostel we stayed in was located at the foot of a small mountain about ten minutes around from West Lake. We spent most of the first slowly moving along the lake area. We finally made it over to the other side at around six in the evening. We decided to all rent bikes and ride all the way around the lake back to our hostel before we went out to eat. This was by far one of the best moments I’ve had in China. The ride was awesome. We had the city on one side of us and the lake view on the other. It rained the next day so didn’t really get to do or see much. We happily returned to Shanghai to prep for what we all knew would be the greatest part of SB 07… Sanya, Hainan.

Sanya is pretty much known as the Hawaii of China. It’s got gorgeous, year round warm weather, pristine blue water beaches, and this bad ass place called Monkey Island full of these tiny ass monkeys. Needless to say we were like a bunch of giddy school children when the plane touched down in Sanya. We got our bags, negotiated a cab fare, and we were on our way to our hostel. The cab ride pretty much went like this: “Fuck yeah! Sanya!!!” “Man check out those golf courses!” “Look at all the bright lights!” “Hmm, there sure are a lot of signs in Russian…” “Hey you guys seen any other foreigners on the streets, these all seem like locals?” “Umm… why’s the cab turning into a dark alley?” “Good God is this the hostel?”

The Blue Sky International Youth Hostel, supposedly one of the best hostels to stay in while in Sanya, was pretty horrendous. I felt like I would get hepatitis just looking at it When the ads for the hostel said located in the city center, they actually meant surrounded by shady locals. When it said a five minute walk to the beach, they failed to mention it was in the back of an alley that filled daily with fresh piles of garbage. But no matter, we were determined to have fun no matter how badly we feared for our safety. There were two bars within walking distance of our place. One was Sky Bar, the other was Rainbow. I instantly assumed Rainbow was a gay bar so I asked the hostel manager about Sky. His exact words were this: “If you want to drink vodka and get into fights with Russian Mafia, go to Sky Bar.” To Rainbow we marched…

Our Rainbow experience did not start off very well. It’s located on the first floor of an apartment building so there were plenty of locals loitering in the area. We were lucky enough to witness a full blown domestic dispute right in front of the bar. We’re talking the type of shit you see on cops. The guys didn’t have shirts on, I think one woman was trying to fight one of the guys, little kids were just standing there watches. We seemed to be fully immersed in all that Sanya had to offer. Any apprehension I had about Rainbow was quickly lifted. This place was awesome. Amazing burgers, adorable waitresses, and a music list featuring all the forgotten hits of the 90’s. We loved Rainbow so much a lot of us ate there five meals in a row. The one saving grace about the hostel was that is was a short walk to Rainbow, one of the best bar/grills I’ve ever been to.

The beaches of Sanya were pretty damn nice. The beach closest to us was Dadong Hai, frequently mostly by locals and Russian tourists. Unfortunately these Russians weren’t the Maria Sharapova type, but the Olga from northern Siberia type. But hey, if you look like that and still have the confidence to wear a skimpy bikini, don’t let my looks of sheer terror stop you, more power to them. The locals were equally as lovely. If it wasn’t the naked babies running around with a care in the world, it was the Jet Ski vendors hounding you to rent their shit. The greatest still were the four locals guys that made little sand mounds to prop themselves on so they could blatantly gawk at Vicki sun bathing. These pervs made no attempt to hide where they were looking. The creepy factor was definitely high on that beach.

The following day we headed for Monkey Island. Out of the ten people who went to Sanya, Vahan was by far the most excited about idea of an island run amuck with monkeys. He’d been building up the island for weeks now and now he would finally get a chance to experience it in person. We all headed to the bus stop that would take us to Monkey Island and along the way we see a little boy and his dad standing by a tree. Normally I would think nothing of this except that the kid was literally in the middle of taking a shit right there on the street. All of us were pretty disgusted by this but Vahan was so affected by this he had to abandon his Monkey Island destiny and head back to vomit. The island itself was pretty cool. Monkeys everywhere, swooping down from trees and stealing people’s drinks, pretty much everything I imagined an island of monkeys would be.

At this point we had been in Sanya for two days and pretty disappointed with the place. Sure Rainbow was bad ass and Monkey Island was pretty fun, but the beaches were full of creepy locals and our hostel looked like something out of a Vietnamese POW camp. After some debate, the decision was made that we needed to get the fuck out of that area of town and head for more luxurious pastures. We’d be spending the night at the Crown Plaza Resort in Yalong Bay. It was about half an hour away from creepy beach and in an area packed with Western resorts. The place was beautiful. We spent our last few Sanya days in style.

All in all, SB ’07 was pretty unforgettable. Some places I want to revisit and spend longer in. Some places I would rather not have gone to. And some memories I would rather purge out of my mind, namely the huge Russians and local creeps.

Left: Emperor Sanders' presence in the heart of Suzhou
Center: One of the many gardens of Suzhou...

Right: Suzhou at night

Random shots from Hanzhou and the famous West Lake

Left: View from the cable car to Monkey Island.

Right: Entering Monkey Island. Definitely could have used the Jurassic Park theme sound playing in the background...

Left: Monkeys!

Center: Apparently monkeys love orange juice. They would jump out of no where and steal a bottle right out of a person's hand... but at least they know how to share.
Right: Some other little monkeys...

Left: Hair do... more like hair don't.

Center: I know this doesn't look like anything special, but I was absolutely amazed to see a parking meter in China.
Right: Yay Hangzhou!

*While these petty cabs were fun to ride around, they are clearly death traps. You basically have a 50 year old man riding a 20 year our bike with a makeshift seat in the back. There were times when me and Vahan were being taken around that I didn’t think our cabby would make it.

SB '07!

Haven’t updated in a while… mostly because nothing’s been really happening. It was the week before Spring Break so I’ve been in student mode. I was even forced to miss a beloved Propaganda night

SB ’07 in China looks to be a blast. We’re flying into Shanghai tonight and spending a few days there. We’ll take a couple of small trips to Suzhou and Hangzhou to get all that culture and history crap out of the way. Then it’s off Sanya! Beaches, sun, and not doing shit for hours at a time…

Pictures and story to come…

So much history, so much culture, so much pollution…

Our adventure to Xi’an began Friday night aboard an overnight train. CET had booked us hard-sleepers so we could experience life as a Chinese traveler. I didn’t think it was that bad. It’s basically six bunks (three on each wall) to a semi-cabin. No doors for privacy, but we really didn’t need any since the group took up half the car and we were by far the most annoying ones in our car. Upon arriving in the city one thing is immediately clear, Xi’an air makes Beijing air seem like Lake Havasu City, Arizona*. It was dry, dusty, and incredibly dirty, but otherwise a very cool city. One weekend in Xi’an and we all sound like wheezing geriatrics. Our train car on the way back to Beijing sounded like an emphysema ward with everyone hacking up lungs.



Views from the train coming into Xi'an.



Random shots of Xian: Hutong markets, the Muslim Quarter (some of the best lamb you'll ever have in your life), the bell tower in the heart of the city, the city walls, ancient rooftops (probably constructed in the past few years), stall vendors not working because annoying tourists like me only look and don't buy anything



The Terra Cotta Warriors: A pretty amazing sight, but I doubt their impressive numbers are any match against my hammer...


Left: At the Big Goose Pagoda. Note carefully the right hand of the monk, he's clearly a Longhorn fan!
Right: The outskirts of Beijing at sunrise.

Left: Apparently naked babies in suggestive poses are a huge tourist draw in Xi'an. Almost every stand I saw had some version of a naked, porcelain baby...

Center: Whoever made these horses were kind enough to give them buttholes in the afterlife.

Right: Check out the amazing artifact still fully intact on the city wall... oh wait, that's just a trash can.


*Lake Havasu City was voted the city with the cleanest air in 2006 by Money Magazine. Money Magazine – For You, Your Family, Your Future.

Foot Massages, Xi'an Bound!

There’s a foot massage parlor pretty close to the CNU campus we decided to try out Tuesday night. Massages in China are not like the ones you receive in the US. There’s a fine line between therapeutic stress relief and brutal torture, I think that line got crossed several times that night. If I’m ever in a war and forced to choose sides, I’m picking the one with the Asian masseuses. They may appear to be fragile little Chinese women, but their hand are like vise grips and they have deadly knowledge of all the body’s pressure points. The level of pain they can inflict on a single human being is astonishing. It was basically an hour and half of getting the crap beaten out of you and being kneaded like dough. But you feel surprisingly good and relaxed afterwards.

About to head to Xi’an in a few hours. Should be a pretty bad ass time. I’ll be sure to put up pictures. In the mean time, check out this article about my new hero:

HONG KONG (AP) - A German art student tried to join a Chinese dynasty's army - but he volunteered centuries too late. The 26-year-old man - identified only as Pablo or by his Chinese name Ma Lin - made a dusty brown suit of armour, a tunic and a helmet, and attempted to blend in with the ancient warriors of the terracotta army in the western city of Xi'an, the Hong Kong newspapers Ming Pao Daily News and Wen Wei Po reported this week.
The outfit matched the uniforms worn by the thousands of terracotta soldiers buried in the tomb of the Emperor Qin Shihuangdi, who ruled between 221 BC and 210 BC, the papers said. The soldiers - one of China's greatest archeological discoveries - are displayed in a Xi'an museum.
Pablo entered the museum Saturday with his uniform packed in a suitcase, the papers said. Once inside, he quickly changed into the outfit, jumped over a barrier and joined the soldiers, who stand in hundreds of rows.
He blended in so well that security guards had difficulty finding him, Ming Pao said.
"I got to the area where he was supposed to be, looked around a bit and didn't see Ma Lin," the paper quoted a guard as saying. "He just looked too much like a terracotta warrior."
The papers showed photos of security guards dragging Pablo out of the excavation pit where the soldiers are displayed.
Wen Wei Po quoted Pablo as saying he has been obsessed with the soldiers since his childhood. He reportedly said that he only planned to have a photo of himself taken standing near the museum's excavation pit.
"But when I saw the soldiers, I got too excited and just couldn't stop myself from jumping into the pit," he was quoted as saying.
Since he didn't damage the soldiers, Pablo was released after getting a lecture from the security officials, the papers said.

Colds, Mountains, and Bad Ass Movies…

My voice has been censored! Actually I think it’s all blogspots but for some reason I can’t view blog pages anymore. I can access the page to post entries, I just can’t read any… Now that I think about it, I’ve been having trouble accessing a lot of Western media lately. By Western media I mean ESPN. Maybe the Chinese are just as upset as I am about Texas getting knocked out of the Tournament and their just lashing out at ESPN for it… I guess that’s one theory.

I’ve had this head cold for the past week. Though it’s often hard to tell the difference between illness and everyday living. I’m referring of course to this fantastic Beijing air I get to breathe on a daily basis. There are few places on earth where the air quality is so bad you can actually chew the air. Playing basketball outside is like smoking a pack of cigarettes…

We’re starting to take field trips for our classes. It’s a pretty cool hands-on experience to see the things we’ve only read about. Last Saturday we took a 3 hour bus ride up to Hebei Province to see the mountain tomb of some prince and his wife who died like a million years ago or something like that. The tombs and history and crap were alright, but our descent down the mountain was amazing! They built a long ass slide starting from the top of mountain to the parking lot. Everyone got their own little bobsled with adjustable handbrake. The joy of sliding down a mountain and the terror of questionable Chinese slide construction alone was worth the trip.

300! I finally found a good copy of it* at the local Wu-Mei (Chinese Quickie-Mart). Total guy movie. Lots of fighting, beautiful women, and marginal plot line. Watching 300 will make you want to:

1. Grow a beard.
2. Learn to fight with a spear and sword.
3. Fight other people with spears and swords.


Left: View from halfway up the mountain. Many of us stopped frequently to take pictures of the scenery. It was not because it was a particularly pretty day and we wanted to remember it forever, we're all just terribly out of shape but didn't want to seem like a pansy stopping for a rest.
Center: Note the silver line streaking across the mountain. That was the glorious slide waiting to take us to our sweet chariot (the bus) home.
Right: The steep and treacherous path we took to the tomb... just kidding, I was just tired and wanted to take a picture. The actual path up was well paved and came with handrails.


Left: Vahan about to get push down the mountain...
Right: Peeing Boy Statue! It was glorious! It was proudly standing in front of the restarant we ate at in Hebei, valiently protecting the building from thristy frogs.

* The first copy we bought off a dude on a bicycle for 5 kuai, it was hilariously poor quality, we’re talking cell phone video type quality… finally had to put in the big bucks and find a 10 kuai copy.

DURANT STAYS (...committed to finding you the best rent)

Did anyone else not think this Facebook flyer was hilarious and terrible at the same time. The first moment I looked at it I was absolutely ecstatic. Durant is staying at UT!!! Then bam, like a slap in the face it turns out to be a lame ass apartment finder toying with our fragile basketball emotions. Touché 512 Realty, you’ve bested me once again…

Elevator Jenga, Gold Diggers, and Engrish…

Now that regular CNU classes have started, the international dorm is packed. Like any crowded dorm filled with lazy international students, everyone wants to take the elevator. I don’t know if it’s airing on the side of caution or just poor construction, but our elevators can only carry 1000 kg. That’s about 10 American-sized men or 20 Chinese-sized girls. Every crowded elevator ride we play this game I call Elevator Jenga. Basically we see how many people we can squeeze in before the overload alarm sounds. It’s not as funny when one of the guys sets off the alarm (because we’re all overweight Americans), but we all find it hilarious when a tiny Asian girl trips it. Mostly because the look on their faces of shear embarrassment is just priceless, but also because Chris, Vahan, and Sam can use their terrible Chinese to say 对不起! 我是美国人！你是老师吗？ (dua bu qi! Wo shi mei guo ren! Ni shi lao shi ma?) It’s pretty much all the Chinese they know. For some reason hearing a foreigner trying to speak Chinese is apparently funny enough to warrant the stereotypical Asian girl giggle*.

Prior to coming to Beijing, I had been warned by several people to be weary of Chinese girls. Not just because they may be clever hookers, but I also heard horror stories of girls latching on to a guy and compelling him to marry her and whisk her away back to America. I never really believed any of these crazy tales… until Wednesday night. We were at Propaganda having a jolly ol’ time when out of nowhere a cute Asian girl comes up to me. Here’s how it pretty much went down:

Me and my friends on the dance floor. Asian girl approaches me…

Cute Asian: So how long do I have to wait before you dance with me?
Me: Umm… do you want to dance right now?

We go out to in the middle of the floor and start dance-talking

Me: So what do you do?
CA: I’m a student at (blah blah blah) University
Me: Cool, what are you studying?
CA: Dance.
Me: Ah, what kind of dance?
CA: … dancing with you…

At this point I pretty much knew what her angle was (either prostitute or gold digger). But I wanted to see where this was going, mostly because I was impressed with myself for being able to have this entire conversation with her in just Chinese!

CA: So who are you here with tonight?
Me: Those are my friends over there. (points to friends) What about you?
CA: I was here with friends but they left earlier so I’m here alone right now.
Me: Oh, so how come you didn’t go home with them?
CA: … because I was waiting to dance with you…

Pretty much the gist of it. She was a gold digger and I was shocked that they actually existed and weren’t just an urban legend told by Chinese mothers to scare their sons into practicing the violin and not going out. All and all, it was a pretty hilarious experience. A generally good rule for guys in China: If a girl approaches you, it’s not because you’re so damn attractive and charming, she’s a ho!

On a different note, the Chinese government, desperately wanting to put their best foot forward for the 2008 Olympics and present Beijing as a world class international destination, is frantically trying to fix all the Engrish (Chinglish) that’s so ubiquitous around the city. I’m sure they’ll be able to fix all the major public signage in time (see the March 1 post for a beautiful example of Engrish), but it’s there’s no way all restaurant menus and shop signs can be fixed by next year. Here are some of my personal favorites:


These don't really need captions...

* Much like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot, the Asian girl giggle is so quick and fleeting, it’s almost impossible to capture on film. But for those you don’t know, here’s what it would look like if it were an emoticon: >_< “tehehe”